my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
