Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
