Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
