god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
