my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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