I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
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