i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
