I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
