I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
