When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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