Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
