Do you still have your period?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
