It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
