No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
