i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
