I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
