Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
