she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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