sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He better not be in your backpack
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
