The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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