when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
His nipple licking is glorious
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