How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she looked like the before picture.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
