im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
