How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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