I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
