Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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