i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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