I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
