You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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