In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
