remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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