Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
