I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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