No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
