party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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