I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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