Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
