I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
