Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
