he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think I sprained my soul last night
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
