Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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