The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
