Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
