just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It's blow job season.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
