i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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