apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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