Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
