I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
