from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
