so explain again why im purple
no
I just cut my nipple shaving
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
