so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
