I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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